Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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