another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
