Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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