Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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