I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Please don't give away my fajitas
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
