In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Found your dick twin last night
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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