So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
