she woke up with a sticky ear
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
