Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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