I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
