On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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