The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
