We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
