Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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