Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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