Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
