The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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