Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
