I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
