I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
