Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
