Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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