I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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