the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
