My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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