No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All the doctor said was why
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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