i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I woke up under a house in Key West
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
