You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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