I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
