yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
