Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
