This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
