Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize