Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
