let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
