you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
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Do I have a choice?
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why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize