oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
