you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
