I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Michael Bay diarrhea
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
