Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
