I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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