Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
