how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
