Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
