Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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