someone threw a dead crab at me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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