the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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