Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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