Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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