his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How does one acquire holy water?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize