her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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