her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
