there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
