Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
