i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
