a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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