i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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