So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
