My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
