just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
