I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I stole a fireplace last night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
