Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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